bastard_fish (bastard_fish) wrote in tardbusters,
Tardbust #021
8th July, 2006

So I'm back. Kidnapped by Fur Qaeda, yiffed, scritched (or whateverthefuck they call it) and pretty fucking pissed off about it. So how've you been? Me, I've been shit. Right before I got kidnapped Mrs. Bastardfish left me for some hunky goatfucker or other and I almost got sent to court, joy of motherfucking joys.

So I'm single and I haven't had a decent fuck in months. I even got so desperate I joined myspace, got a few chicks back to myplace to sit on myface but found that, really, Internetz Disease isn't just a disease, it's a motherfucking epidemic. Birdflu ain't got shit on these fatties. Angle-poise buttertrolls are everywhere these days, like fat little piglets suckling on the life-giving teats of the Intarwebs.

And with that, I segue as smoothly as George W. Bush on a Segway into my return bust. You see, there's only one thing I'd need in order to have the edge over the regular Myspace losers. Just one thing would guarantee that I have a constant stream of young, attractive females (and, where applicable and not fat, males) just gagging to let me bust my tard all over the back of their throats. It's not good looks. It's not even a big pen0r. I refer, dear, dear bustfans, to The Almighty Dollar.

Of course, there have always been trophy wives. Who can forget the unforgettably forgettable marriage of William Shakespeare and Pollyanna off MTV's hit show "Real World: Antarctic Research Station Sanae IV". Or Britney Spears' gay marriage to Harribunder Jones, a sixteen-foot topiary from Florida. Ah, romance. Marriages to trophy wives, however, are often disguised as legitimate relationships. "Oh, of course I love him!", says the blonde D-cup of her 98-year-old, billionaire, Cryptkeeper husband, "our love is as pure as the snow". Sure. But for those ladies who aren't in denial about their gold-digging, there's

"Wealthy Men is the one and only online personals dating site dedicated to those men & women seeking a higher caliber online dating experience.

Women: Thank You for visiting Wealthy Men, where you will find professional men making over $100k a year. WM makes it fun and easy to find your prince.

The great thing is, boys and girls, WealthyMen gives us exactly what we'd expect, like some crazy special on FOX. "Desperate Women, Ugly Millionaires".

Meet ineedyourhelp81. ineedyourhelp81 needs your help.

"I am a college student from NY and I met someone off this site who sent for me and when I arrived I got stood up, he was married go figure...well I'm stuck in California and trying to get back to NY. I'm Looking for a generous man who is caring and willing to help me find a way back home."

Which is awful, obviously... until you realise that ineedyourhelp81 looks... like this:

ineedyourhelp81: what Dick Cheney thought he was shooting at.

A) What kind of dumbass books a one-way ticket to meet a guy she's never met before?

Not every lady on the site needs your help, however. Some are more than willing to help you.

"i coock very good" claims juicypink, who is looking for "hard working men that say i want to be on the top and nothing can stop him u know what i mean". Funny. Last time I said "i want to be on the top and nothing can stop [me] u know what i mean", the bitch pressed charges.

Sorry, that was tasteless humour. Remember, kids: rape is almost never funny.

Anyway. Onwards. If nothing else, you've got to admire the honesty of the women on this site. They admit what some other women won't. Of course... not everyone on the site is entirely honest.

This, bustfans, is "Marissa" of Plainview, New York, who is "looking for her exotic king!".

Marissa, huh? Huh.

This is sugarkate21, who is from Florida, lives in England, and lists her location as New York...

... not to be confused with Canadian pornstar Kate Ground of who just so happens to look EXACTLY THE FREAKIN' SAME:

Possibly the second hottest picture we've ever featured
at Tardbusters... second only to this one.

Of course, if you're ugly there are other ways of covering it. Take the example of lv1951, who describes herself as "Special one of a kind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!and gardening loving GOD! Finest things of Life and LOTS of FINE THINGS" and whose pictures look a little something like this:

Mmm, yeah. I just love me some conservatory butt(erfly)sex.

Next in our list of the lovely ladies, we meet the lovely Sherriev.

Crack is whack.

Sherriez is sexy, smart, wise, fun, funny, strong, difficult, easy going, loving, aloof, classy, elegant, confident, shy, stubborn, caring, spaced out, direct, demanding, giving, deep, tough, adventurous, and a loyal woman. How do we know? BECAUSE SHE FUCKING TELLS US.

And what does she want from a man? Oh, not much.

"My ideal man 6feet or more, is successful, wise, intelligent, but not arrogant, fun, funny ,strong, sexually, is not a cheater (he does not need vaildation from other women to feel good about himself) he knows who he is! , confident, loyal, hot, very good looking, excellent in bed, friendly, he knows what he wants, easy to get along with open minded, straight not bi sexually, wants to have at least one child with me, he loves himself, he pays attention to me, he is patience, he loves to travel with me, he is a romantic, giving, and is 6 ft or more with light eyes and a great smile, and he is over 35 years of age, he must be drugfree, diseasefree, and drama free. He loves to have fun,and is happy with his life He enjoys laughing, traveling and is very generous with his love and lifestyle. He is not married and he is loyal and respectful. He is sexy, smart, and knows how to treat a woman well. He must be beautiful person on the inside as well as the outside. Please love who you are and have respect for yourself and and only then you can enjoy life with someone. Oh, please be ready and for a relationship. If your not sure, well then do not bother with me."

Sadly, however, many women on the site aren't nearly as confident.

brikel8211: "my hearth as been broken by many men"

Well, Brikel, that's what happens when you have a gangbang in your living room. Not like clever old misayh:

"Temperament , self confidence, funny, with good hearth , open to all new"

You see, Brikel? Misayh's "open to all new", just like you, but her hearth is reinforced and can take the seismic activity caused by rigorous dicking.

That's enough for the ladies right now. It wouldn't be without some wealthy men, so let's meet them.


First, Toyrocker.

Toyrocker has possibly missed the point of the site.

"I'm not rich so i'm being honest about that."

And appears to have missed the point of quite a lot else.

"[I'm] Interesting .and love fee times and rock and roll I'm very submissive and looking for a dominant women who would love to get her hands on me!" "I do fetish mdeling on the side when there is work".

Which is all well and good, but pal: you have no money. No dubiously attractive women for you, sir! We need men with finesse, poise, and their very own Mercedes. Like cesarmaximus.

cesarmaximus, right before he got CREAMED BY A STOLEN JPG.

But it's not all about the Benjamins for Mr. Cesarmaximus. Oh no.

"Oh someone just slap me hard! I need a nap after all those questions! Me, well I can make you laugh until you wet your pants!"

But he gets boring pretty quickly. Not like magicdot.

For months after Cliff died, all James Hetfield could do
was stare into middle distance and twirl his moustache.

magicdot likes "Fast women. Slow dogs. Irish whiskey. Cookies w/ beer. Cold winter nites. Motorcycles. Road kill. Screech owls. Snotty cats. Soft guitars playing while I gently weep."

Other than that, though, magicdot doesn't seem like a bad guy. And "Master Of Puppets" was pretty freakin' awesome, so we'll cut him some slack. And Hetfield isn't the only celebrity to appear on the site.

Name: Gollum
Says: We wants it, we does. In the ass.

Name: Vanilla Ice
Says: Word to your mother, father, sister, brother-in-law and Auntie Gladys.

Name: Snoop Dogg
Says: Tardbizzlin' in the hizzle fo rizzle mah nizzle.

Meet CapnRon. CapnRon embodies one of the biggest foibles of the site.

CapnRon is an "executive in a Fortune 100 corporation". He goes on to say "My friends would describe me as always in a great mood and humorous even under stress conditions. I am very outgoing, physically active and stay in very good shape. I have a wide range of interests from racing my sailboat to cooking, travel and gardening. I am looking for a lady in the same "boat" as I am; someone who is looking for a discreet enhancement to their lives. I am interested in sharing a wide range of activities with this special friend. Time is a precious commodity, yet I am willing to make time when it is possible."

Which is great. Seems like a nice guy, not bad looking for his age, and he's rich. Seems like a good catch. Then why oh MOTHERFUCKING WHY did he decide that it would be a good idea to upload THIS:

The mind. Fucking. Boggles.

Like many of the sites we've busted here at Tardbusters, has its good parts. For many, it's a chance to find love after many years of being single, and the fact that the guy might just happen to be rich is just a pleasant bonus. There are many women on the site who are clearly genuinely looking for love and don't care too much about the money. And that's fine, I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with is the endless stream of skankwhores, golddiggers and hoochie mamas who also populate the site with the intention of draining men dry and then moving on.

The main problem with lies with the fact that any relationship based on anything physical will always be pretty lame the moment that that physical thing is gone. Sex, money, looks, whatever. The working relationships forged at can only be the shallowest of the shallow, for people who care primarily about money or looks and aren't afraid to say it.

I leave you with one of the most batshit insane entries I found during my time browsing this vast, vastly depressing site: UninhibitedLuv4u, in all her awful glory. Do take time to read it all, the lulz are quite stupendous.

Until next time, Internets Land!


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