__saturnine_ (__saturnine_) wrote in tardbusters,

The Christian Goth Blue Rose Society
January 14th, 2006
Tardbust #019

Do you ever feel like an outsider?

Do you feel like you can't be yourself without people judging you, looking down on you? Have you ever wondered whether anyone understands what you're going through? Whether there is anyone who cares enough to really get to know you? Do you worry that if people actually did get to know you they wouldn't like you, that you'd just end up rejected and lonely?

Perhaps you know what it's like to be mocked, shunned, excluded, or just plain ignored.

ChristianGoth.com is indeed a website that should be shunned, excluded and just plain ignored- however, I am going to mock it instead. I do this for you, dear reader, so that you may not accidentally fall prey to the cult that are the ChristianGoths.

Now we all know that Jesus was Goth. I mean, the long dark hair, the crown of thorns and the most morbid dinner conversation ever:

"The bread? You like the bread? It's my FLESH!!! And the wine is my BLOOD!!! Nahh, I'm just fucking with you! It's a Merlot."

-Luke 28:17

But even if Jesus was Goth, does He want you to be Goth? Well, we don't know, but according to ChristianGoth.com, He doesn't particularly mind.

Before I get too deeply into this, let me just say that I don't care who I offend; not at all. However, I also want to be clear that who and what I am making fun of are idiots calling themselves ChristianGoths, and not Jesus—who, by all accounts, was a really cool guy. I mean, the guy's first miracle was to make more liquor to keep a party going. Who wouldn't hang with that guy?

That being said, let me get right to my absolute favorite page of the website:

"proper Christian Goth attire"

This is some funny stuff. You'll like these. They only had six articles of attire listed, so I went ahead and rounded it up to ten by adding a few. See if you can tell which ones were mine:

Today when you put on that black outfit, black makeup, black shoes and combed your black hair, did you remember to put on the "Armor of God"? No Christian Goth should start the day without it! It is so often forgotten in the mad rush to start the day, but is oh so important. A quick review of the armor:

1. Helmet of Salvation: For protection of your mind and thinking against the lies of the wicked one. So that all your responses today ~ no matter what the circumstances (through words or actions) be according to the Father's will.

2. Breastplate of Righteousness: For the protection of your emotions and your heart, so that you will be able to respond spiritually, not emotionally.

3. Belt of Truth: That you may be reminded that you are a child of Christ and He is in control of your life.

4. Feet Fitted with the Readiness: That wherever you may go you will be available to be used as an instrument of peace.

5. Shield of Faith: To be able to quench the fiery darts of the wicked one. To walk in faith trusting in the Lord and not yourself.

6. Sword of the Spirit: That you speak His Word with strength and accuracy. The sword is the Word of God - read it, study it, know it!

7. The Strap-on of Christ: To penetrate the evil ones or whosoever just wants it. Jesus say she wouldn't have worn that red dress if she didn't want it.

8. The Kneepads of the Virgin:
Because oral sex isn't really sex. Go forth and suck, ChristianGoths!

9. The extra-absorbent Undergarments of the Holy Trinity:
As a child of Christ, we sometimes have accidents, but with these on, no one will have to know about your demon seepage.

10. The Tampons of Glory:
Do you ever just not feel fresh in the Lord? Sure, the John the Baptist douche helps, but for that time of the month when the wicked one comes to visit, these are just the thing to feel God deep inside. (BONUS! We've replaced that little string with a full rosary!)

So, is everybody dressed in their ChrianGoth garb? Did you spot the ones I made up? I knew you would. Perhaps the most surprising thing on the website is that the first and only question on the FAQ page isn't WTF?

Hey guys, I heard there's a free Bauhaus concert right through
that door. Yeah. Go right in that big metal room there. Chill out
man, it's only a shower. You want to be clean for Jesus, right?

Another fun page is called,

"Obsession with death?—Let's move forward."

Yeah! What is it with you people? Everywhere you look there's a picture or a statue of a guy bleeding and nailed to lumber! You're always talking about dying for our sins and eating flesh and drinking blood and... Hang on. Did they mean the Goths are obsessed with death, or the Christians?

Now, I think the page called the "Blue Rose Society" puts it best when it says:

Simply put, The ChristianGoth.com Blue Rose Society is a call to all ChristianGoths to be found so true and as rare of a Christian as a blue rose is rare in nature.

I don't know if you knew this or not, but God loves awkward sentences with lots of prepositional phrases. "Simply put"!? Ha! As if you had a choice. BUT THERE'S MORE:

If God has called you to be really like Jesus He will draw you into a life of crucifixion and humility...

Whoa! A "life of crucifixion"! That's serious. I mean, Jesus just did it the one time, but they're saying a whole life of it. I wonder if that's like being crucified once a month, or every weekend, or if it really is just the whole time. You're just nailed to a cross, hopping around everywhere... "oh, hold the elevator, it's that guy with the cross nailed to him. Don't stare, don't stare, shhh!"

Honestly, this is the funniest page on the site. It seems to have been written by a not-overly-bright seven year old whose parents have beaten him with the bible on a pretty regular basis. This kid is scared and knows his earthly life is doomed to fail miserably:

Other Christians and ministers who seem very religious and useful, may push themselves, pull wires, and work schemes to carry out their plans, but you cannot do it, and if you attempt it, you will meet with such failure and rebuke from the Lord as to make you sorely penitent. Others may boast of themselves, of their work, of their successes, of their writings, but the Holy Spirit will not allow you to do any such thing, and if you begin it, He will lead you into some deep mortification that will make you despise yourself and all your good works. Others may be allowed to succeed in making money, or may have a legacy left to them, but it is likely God will keep you poor…

Man, I don't know if this poor kid is Christian or Goth, but he's damn sure depressed and paranoid. C'mon now, put on a happy face! Jesus loves you. Hello? Robert Smith of the Cure loves you? Anything?

The Lord may let others be honored and put forward, and keep you hidden in obscurity, because He wants to produce some choice fragrant fruit for His coming glory, which can only be produced in the shade. He may let others be great, but keep you small. He may let others do a work for Him and get the credit for it, but He will make you work and toil on without knowing how much you are doing; and then to make your work still more precious He may let others get credit for the work which you have done.

I think somebody forgot to wear their Helmet of Salvation today. Well I guess expecting Christian Goths to be cheerful may have been my mistake.

Speaking of cheerful, there's a page about "Cutting" as well. I don't want to dwell on this too much, but there are several links to helpful websites and different approaches to help put an end to "self-injury" and "cutting." I'd just like to toss in an idea of mine, if I may: CUT DEEPER!

No shit, Sherlock.

You know, I could go on and on, but let's try and get to who's really responsible for this really lame website; it's time for us to learn "About the Webmistress".

Name: Michaela

Future life: most of all I want to serve my Savior... He decides where I will go and where my life will lead to...I want to be a vessel of honor.

Most influential person: Jesus of Nazareth

Oh, that one. I'm always getting my Jesuses mixed up. Jesus of Nazareth, Jesus of Honduras, Jesus of the Beverly Hills Jesuses…..

Michaela likes to mix it up and keep it interesting by switching between Jesus, my Savior, Yeshua, and Yahweh. And indeed, only a Goth would go by this many different made-up names.

Most influential Books ever read (other then the Bible) : "In the Footsteps of Jesus" by Bruce Marchiano.

Favorite movie: "Matthew" by the The Visual Bible company...if anyone wants to "see" Jesus (Yeshua) like they never have before in a movie-get this film!!! (it's a 4 hour video pack). I will never think of Jesus the same after viewing this movie. Bruce Marchiano plays Jesus so excellently, you forget it is a movie. A movie where Jesus smiles!! What a concept!! Look for The Visual Bible link on the links page. plus, I LOVE The Lord of the Ring Trilogies.

Holy shit!! She has an outside interest that ISN'T Jesus-related. I don't know about you, but I bet she burns in Hell for all eternity for liking them "Lord of the Ring Trilogies."

Person(s) you feel you owe something to, but don't know how to ever repay them: Jesus, my Savior...how could I ever repay what He did...I can't...

Reason for Living : To serve Yahweh

Favorite Scriptures: "To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of Joy for mourning, the garment of praise for The spirit of heaviness"... Isaiah 61:3

Favorite Version of the Word: The New King James

Favorite Quotes: "God deliver us from the opinions of men!" - Dwight Thompson "Be Humble or Stumble!" - Pastor Walt, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." -Edmund Burke "I would rather walk with God in the dark than go alone in the light." -Mary Gardiner Brainard and "Christians are called to be "fruit inspectors", NOT fashion police!"-me!

uh...I gotta think about that one. "Christians are called to be fruit inspectors, NOT fashion police!" She came up with that quote herself. "Fruit inspectors." I, uh… You know what? I don't even know how to make fun of that. I suspect there's a joke here somewhere involving "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," but frankly the whole thing is just too bizarre. I'll tell you one thing though: I am sooo gonna have a t-shirt made with this quote on it. Thank you webmistress Michaela. Your quote has touched me deeply. But answer me this: are not we all called to be Christians? Are not even the fashion police called to be Christians, and therefore fruit inspectors? For what was Jesus if not a fruit inspector? I'm getting dizzy.

What Bible Story has taught you the most: That would definitely be Abraham and Isaac (Genesis 22)

When did you meet the Lord: summer of 1971

Ah. It's starting to make some sense now. The summer of 1971. The end of the hippies, Woodstock, the Doors and the Beatles had all come to an end. Hendrix, Joplin, Morrison... all dead. Someone put down their bong and became a "fruit inspector." I'm not sure that was the Lord, Michaela. Are you sure it wasn't one of the Allman Brothers or somebody from Moby Grape?

In the end, what have we learned? Well, frankly, the fruit inspector thing will certainly stick with me. Who would've ever guessed that the answer to the question "What would Jesus do?" probably has something to do with melons or Satsumas? I also learned that…uh, Goths are, uh…they cut sometimes and Christian Goths are... well...

No, the fruit inspector thing is all I learned.

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.

Fucking awesome.
dam lolz!

This is making me think of the 'Alternative Goths' I've heard of from an English aquaintance. Apparently there's a sub-gawth-culture there who where nothing but white. Not sure if there are any other distinguishing factors, can't say I've been all that interested in researching it, just makes me think of it.

Good to see the busting back!
Christians are called to be "fruit inspectors", NOT fashion police!

i think it's the capped NOT... implying that i'm actually following this ridiculous train of thought. although i'm jealous i hadn't thought of it myself.

Tard ahead!


June 29 2006, 05:02:47 UTC 11 years ago

I - Any crime against Nature MUST be punished with death.

II - Any crime against helpless humans MUST be punished with death.

III - Hunting for survival is not to be considered crime, unlike torture and hunting for sport and killing for furs.

IV - Each society and cult should be understood and accepted, UNLESS they are against Nature or helpless humans.

V - Each child that is born should be taught how to live and accept other societies and cults. Failure to do this should be attempted once more to teach those values. If the child is capable of committing crimes stated in I and II, it should be consider a non-human and non-animal subject from that time on.

VI - Detained subjects sentenced for any crimes commited should be not locked in prisons, but forced to earn their bread and water by daily working for the attempt of reedeeming the erroneous doings made. Crimes against Nature are never to be forgiven nor forgotten, they are life sentences.

VII - When entering a society that one doesn't know, one WILL behave as expected for that society or be acused of crime against it.VIII - Respect your elders. Respect both mother and father that nurish a child. Respect Nature.

IX - Teach and be taught.

This is from dau, who happens to be a "pagan, non-goth".

He also happens to have neo-nazi sympathies not to mention the huge collection of furry porn he has, his fake marriage and all the rumors he's spread to play victim. He basically lives on playing the poor victim. Actually, he's a low-IQed sociopath that really deserves at least one laugh here on Tardbusters.

Holy crapola. Good find, Captain Anonymous!